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Current Music:"Coronation Street"
Current Location:R-2E-054 in Autumn/Nova Scotia, Canada
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Subject:Desert BusxSurgeryxCollision
Time:10:22 pm
Current Mood:restlessrestless
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{ http://desertbus.org }

All last week I watched Desert Bus For Hope off-and-on. I'm sad I missed Bill's Mom's shift, but at least I got to stop in & visit Matts for a few minutes during it. We've watched it together since Desert Bus 3 (we didn't get into Desert Bus 1, and was in Alberta during Desert Bus 2). We even had a party during Desert Bus 4. But yeah, I love it. It being on makes me feel calm, and being able to keep checking in is a good distraction that often does not fail to make me laugh. I love how soothing Kate Wyatt [Bill's Mom] is. I love Skeletor [which everyone knows is Ian, but everyone treats as the cartoon character].

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I haven't said much here, but Matts moved away for college. I know it's best for him, as he's been so stuck, but it's been more anxiety for me. Going up to visit him at his house was my sanctuary. When I could be silly, have fun, be myself, and feel like someone who's a person hanging-out with someone who wanted me to hang-out with them. I've been scared he'll drop me while away, which is why I was extra brave the last time we hung-out. We survived me going away for 8 months just fine, but I'm a fucking shell of the person I was then. But I'm being brave! We text-message & DM a lot [and they returned the reason I left RuneScape, so RS is a thing too (like we used to)], but anxiety is shit. Especially how dehumanised I feel now, I don't feel like it matters if I'm around or not, and it's made it hard to be sociable with people. We talked about how the buses are, and how we'd probably have to meet in Greenwood, or I get a ride back. I mentioned I could sleep on the couch (which I'd love, an all-night hang-out, playing video-games, watching movies, playing "Arkham Horror" & Warhammer), he brushed it off though. I could have just been my fear (since it was just before I left), or him being scared too (he was when I went away), but I haven't brought it up since. He did ask me to come visit when he's back at his house over the holidays, so again BRAVERY. I just hate how pants I am.

I want to go on a daytrip to Wolfville with Jeremy so bad too, but he has a girlfriend now so I haven't had the confidence to ask. I'm happy he has someone, I've wanted him to have someone, and my feeling aren't jealousy. I'm scared things will be like with Lauchlin, Trevor, Graeme, Chase, Xavier, Grave, and several other friends where their girlfriends won't allow them to hang-out with female friends, or they decide not to themselves. At first I brushed it off as me being silly-Jeremy has been my friend 5 years-but he was tagging me on Facebook with her a lot (which struck my confidence when I'd be all set to ask to hang-out), and then it just stopped (which dropped my confidence to 0%). Now he's contacting me via Twitter, and Private Facebook message. I hate being shaken with asking. But he also just got "Fantasy Life" so I'll see how that goes, and it's probably just my anxiety being a dick.

I haven't said anything to either of them, as I also have fears of things I'm upset by being used as fuel if things go downhill. I get scared about bringing-up things I'm upset by anyway, fearing things will go to shit by me bringing it up. And I feel so fucking pathetic. Most people don't have crippling fears of abandonment, or don't feel like unhuman shit. Matts did call me out when I said "I didn't want to bother you" when I dropped something off at his apartment before last & didn't hang around. To be fair I didn't know how long he'd be in class, and we were on a schedule to get back to here. But I'd glad he reassured me. The next time I DID stay for awhile, damn it. Of course it helped I heard Desert Bus blarring from behind his door so knew he was in, but it was so damn nice. I really, really needed that even tiny visit.



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The reason I was up that way was because I had an appointment with Dr. Ross (and not about my jaw as I eventually figured it would be). I've had 2 torus mandibularis since I was little. They've never bothered me, and hadn't grown any. Until last year :/ The right one decided it wanted to grow sharp, and try to erupt through my gum/bottom palate. It's been really sore because as the gum gets thinner, the bone & skin becomes more sensitive to heat. Also the top layer of skin has been susceptible to rubbing-off, and it got really bad the last dental X-rays I had (the film cut right into the thinned gum). Dr. Saxon referred me to Dr. Ross, and we figured he'd just do the in-office shaving the sharp bit down. But no, Dr. Ross (who kept going "Cool!" excitedly) has decided that given my difficulty healing, the fact that disturbing the bone a little bit is the same risk as removing it, and concerns it will erupt & get badly infected, to remove the tori instead. He offered just to do the one that's grown fast, but we both agreed symmetry would be best. I'll be under anesthetic for it, so at least I would be awake unlike with my wisdom teeth. But I'll also be asleep if something goes wrong. I have a lot of dental anxiety after the Dalhousie business, the Alberta root canal, & the Annapolis Royal business. But Dr. Saxon speaks highly of Dr. Ross, and I trust Dr. Saxon [whom I have to see soon too as I chipped sealant off the one I have sensitivity with (after Dalhousie spilt etching on it) and don't want to have hella cold & sweets pain]. The cynic would say he just planned the full removal for money [I pay nothing as MSI (provincial insurance) covers torid removal], but honestly something has to be done about the one growing. I go January 6TH about the anesthesiologist consult. Where I'm having blood problems, and have asthma, they want to make sure things are alright. I go for surgery February 3RD. I'm very scared over it. I'm trying to think on things I'll do though; like watch TNG & DS9. Eat desert baby food & soups. Enjoying the painkillers (he was going to go with Tylenol #3, but given my tolerance from my jaw medication, and the fact I'm on Iron, he's going with Dilaudid.) so I'll be doing a lot of sleeping peacefully. And he's giving me low dose antibiotics too, so I won't run-into the infection I had with my wisdom teeth. He says healing time is less than wisdom teeth too, so maybe I'll have solid food for Saint Valentine's Day!

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After visiting Matts, we decided we should run-up to New Minas since it's only 15-ish minutes away. Well we got to the lights, and they were under construction with flaggers. The one straight through was on SLOW and we were among (in the middle of) 3 vehicles in the group waved through. Well the flagger to the intersection on the side decided to wave her group of cars through too. So with no-where to go, the front car of that group hit our Sonata's side. Luckily we all were going "SLOW", but it still smashed our driver's side mirror & dented us worse than the other vehicle. We both moved away from the area, I immediately got-out and started taking pictures, we took the other driver's information, and I tried to get the 3 main witnesses' information, but the gas station attendant who saw both signs on STOP (as the gas station was to the other side of the road, and thus viewing the back side of the signs) refused. The flagger that waved our lot through started to provide his information, but the intersection flagger came over and bullied him into stopping. She gave hers, and accused us as having seeing things & running the STOP (we were in-between 2 other vehicles, so we couldn't have). We stopped at Greenwood Mall so I could e-mail the pictures I took with my RAZR to my GMail so I could save them to my 3DS' SD card, and thus print them off at Wal*Mart ASAP. The Mall's Internet has been really wonky lately, and my cellular reception intermittent, so it took me ages to do this with each picture one-by-one. I was so disgusted that I didn't even buy the cabbage rolls at Wal*Mart I planned-on for days. We stopped into the Bridgetown RCMP station on the way back to file a report (in Nova Scotia the law is any collision with injury or $2000+ of damage has to be reported to the police). The constable wouldn't wrte-up an official one because he didn't think there had been that much damage, which annoyed me because we didn't know how much the other driver was going to claim. We called the insurance company when we got back.

Welp, there are cameras at the lights they were fixing, and cameras on the gas station, so the 'both lots being waved through at the same time' checked-out. We were deemed "Not At Fault", and the insurance is paying to have the Sonata fixed, and for a rental car. They wouldn't say if the flagger is being investigated, but should be (flaggers here have licences & training, and walkie-talkies on at all times). The problem is, the garage mentioned the damage is so much the insurance might not want to pay to fix the 10 year vehicle, and instead pay on a non-damaged car. The damage on ours is all bodywork, which is hella expensive. The estimate was sent-off, but the garage & rental place have not received any word from the insurance yet, so we haven't gotten the rental or left the Sonata to be fixed. They'll have to wait until Thursday now though, as Mom works 2 day shifts, and though they have my telephone number too, not much I can damn well do.


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And I finally got an appointment for the testing in Halifax:
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There is the EEG/EMG page, which depending on the results could lead to other things {spinal fluid, bone marrow etc. [he wants to make sure the weakness/headaches isn't my nervous system (excluding white blood cells fucking with it) before more invasive tests]}. I'm less worried about this than the surgery! And it's a very long way off, and something I've already been waiting over a year for. I don't notice the problems as much when playing video games [except the 3DS now], but it's been getting worse for other things. I learned Friday (after scalding my hand) that flimsy Styrofoam cups are especially pants--I can't get the grip right and fumble or squeeze too hard and spill the contents. Counting-out change & handling papers/money is pants too. Lately my left toes have gone from numb to feeling like hair is wrapped around them (long haired people who take baths might know this feeling), and my left leg too. Dr. Yafai suspects this is just from a pinched nerve though, but the hand problems, all over weakness, & headaches have been for quite awhile now.

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I've been stuggling. I've been trying so, so hard to be extra sociable instead of my usual course of pulling-away. I've not been responding to people's things as much as I was though, as I lack the capacity when a lot was ignored. But a lot of my things have been ignored (I tweeted about the surgery & accident when I found-out/it happened, and got no response at all), yet I'm still staying about. I feel bad for not responding with support for things, but people have better people than me for comfort. I was playing a hella lot of "Fantasy Life", and posting a lot on it. But a dehumanising comment & falsehood shook my nerve to keep posting about the Laura/Lady stuff I was so much [it brought back fears of what people think of me, but that "doesn't matter"]. And no-one responding when I got Master Paladin took the last of my capacity to post on it. It was one of my biggest video-game accomplishments. I was just posting on Miiverse, but I lost the will to since Miiverse is more awkward to use than posting screenshots with GMail to Mobypicture/Facebook. And with the Laura/Lady stuff pure joy for me being shaken, I stopped playing. Again, Jeremy bought it, so that will probably get me into it again. I'm likely right near the end of the main story, so I should get back to playing. It's an excellent game, though a lot of the plot twists were foreshadowed too much or cliché [like the Yuelia bit, and Laura being the boy you adventure a bit with]. The writing is amazing though, and the characters are lovely [I don't like Butterfly as much as I'm expected to though, and would rather adventure alone (or have her re-ask at a different time if you decline the first time)]. I'll possibly do a spoiler heavy Voice Post on "Fantasy Life" later.

I know I haven't been posting here much at all. Again; I don't want things used as fuel. And when previous things were used as fuel, and othe previous things were hunted-down, no-wheres feels safe. It should be alright for me to post about things here like my best-friend moving & my anxiety over it, but I don't feel safe anywhere.

I want to talk to someone over my fears of the orthodontic surgery, or to just have distractions. But I don't feel able to. I doubt I'll ever watch/play the things with people I've wanted to badly. I don't even feel it matters for me to ramble about stuff I've watched or played on my own. Again I am struggling with feeling like it doesn't matter if I am about anywhere at all. I won't get into how low I am though, due to the fuel or "just wanting attention" or ignoring stuff. I hate how easy it feels for people to be done with me, even when I try to chalk it up to anxiety. Some people say to contact them any time, but I'm worried it will be at a wrong time. I've had that before, where offers of "being there" to message were more to pacify, and it hasn't gone well. Some I don't feel safe to contact, and most I just feel like I'd be bothering. Who would want to talk to me? I've stopped the regular tweeting & asking if anyone is about or want to do anything with me. No response is worse than not even trying for one. Someone was there when I needed good vibes for a rough day & difficult telephone call though. And I am going to try for vibes in January, February, & May. Again I am still trying. Even if it only matters to my brats; I am fucking trying.
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lady_noremon
Link:(Link)
Time:2014-11-24 05:40 am (UTC)
Will typed-up more text when not mostly asleep. Done.

Edited at 2014-11-25 11:09 am (UTC)
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lady_noremon
Subject:"I know I haven't been posting here much at all."
Link:(Link)
Time:2014-11-26 07:40 am (UTC)
[I know I haven't been posting here much at all.]I know I haven't been posting here much at all. Again; I don't want things used as fuel. And when previous things were used as fuel, and othe previous things were hunted-down, no-wheres feels safe. There is a big, big difference than a well-known forum and weeks of 'things' to mutual friends. 'Things' which continued after requests to stop, after I deactivated, picked at mental health, and that got worse once it was known I felt unsafe; and even had other spurts when I made a more public request {I was stupid to expect anything different than past 'no's got [power is addictive] (I don't want to play the dress, I'm scared marriage play will be dropped on me, I want to play the office opening with no drama)}. Which has me worried about what mutual friends think of me (sex-crazed scumbag), & feeling my safety doesn't matter to one friend I requested to who responded [encouragingly (though I blame them less than the 'spurter'; given encouragement in friendship)] to the spurts. [It didn't help that I was getting defamatory stuff from my further past at the same time too (that I went to legal aid even about)**] It should be alright for me to post about things here like my best-friend moving & my anxiety over it, but I don't feel safe anywhere.

**Vaguely mentioned in a previous Protected entry.

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[icon] Desert BusxSurgeryxCollision - Long Shot Of That Jumping Sign~♫
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