Naïvety's Star (lady_noremon) wrote,
Naïvety's Star

I went on a tweeting ramble so I'll post it here in the case I delete the tweets.

I hate feeling like this. 1 day, 9 hrs ago via Mobile Web (M2)
Saw something that was pretty much 'it would be better if I was not around', and really not coping. 1 day, 8 hrs ago via Mobile Web (M2)
I am very fond of a lot of people. Even if my trust is crap & I'm often lonely. I know some probably find it creepy, & doubt I'm loved back. 1 day, 7 hrs ago via Mobile Web (M2)
However: I am fond of a lot of people. 1 day, 7 hrs ago via Mobile Web (M2)
I tried staying offline for a day. Still out-of-sorts. 5 hrs, 3 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
I thought about asking again if anyone was about to talk, but it felt pointless, and I felt like a burden if I messaged people. 4 hrs, 57 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
People have their own things & people. So I tried to bugger-off & try to rest. 4 hrs, 55 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
I got 3 items of post mail though, so that helped. Receiving good post mail is one of my favourite things. Really helps me feel thought of. 4 hrs, 51 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
I'll probably upload pictures tomorrow. One of the things wad my Carlos/Cecil t-shirt.The 2XL is hella long but I was right about the width. 4 hrs, 48 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
Especially if it shrinks when washed. 4 hrs, 45 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
A Large would have been too small, and the XL would have been snug. The 2XL is long, but seems about a normal XL in width. 4 hrs, 45 mins agovia Mobile Web (M2)
So even if it shrinks I'll get the large I wanted. I plan to wear it after I get it washed. 4 hrs, 42 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
"Perfect, perfect Carlos." was on the packing slip XD 4 hrs, 40 mins ago via Mobile Web (M2)
Well I found the Block that has been making me lose my nerve with things since before Christmas. 2 hrs, 25 mins ago via Janetter
I am sorry I am so angry all the damn time. I feel like I'm falling or stuff is crushing in. 2 hrs, 23 mins ago via Janetter
And it doesn't get better. Stuff keeps happening, and even cheerful I get things that break that down. And I cannot cope. 2 hrs, 22 mins ago via Janetter
And I have some big decisions probably coming up that the more things are the more likely they are. And it's making things worse. 2 hrs, 21 mins ago via Janetter
But I really cannot handle sudden Blocks, and the anxiety that comes with not even able to check my own Profile for fear of it. 2 hrs, 20 mins ago via Janetter
I go the 16TH to discuss testing my bone marrow. And I don't know what to do if I have something, & have to make decisions about treatment. 2 hrs, 17 mins ago via Janetter
There, I've said it. 2 hrs, 17 mins ago via Janetter
And the little things of "is it worth it?" and "is there a point?" are digging at me. 2 hrs, 15 mins ago via Janetter
That's why I've been asking a lot if people are around to talk. I just feel so isolated, and have so many fears about interactions. 2 hrs, 14 mins agovia Janetter
I just want someone there so I can ramble with them about good things & distract myself, but no-one ever responds, and it digs more. 2 hrs, 13 mins ago via Janetter
So I get so angry, and frustrated. I have felt abandined for the last couple years, and I get so angry & petty. 2 hrs, 12 mins ago via Janetter
But it's from fear mostly. 2 hrs, 9 mins ago via Janetter
I haven't really had support or comfort like I wanted. I tried from some friends that lied or let me down or just ignored me. 2 hrs, 3 mins ago via Janetter
And it's like I'm so angry at them, and still want that support I didn't get, that it eats at my trust for everyone. 2 hrs, 2 mins ago via Janetter
And the amount of people who have all decided to act like I never existed has really messed-up my ability to get out of where I am. 2 hrs, 1 min agovia Janetter
Because it makes all my interactions seem temporary, and I don't trust I'll mean anything to them too. 1 hr, 59 mins ago via Janetter
Or I feel betrayed by people going along with the never existing thing. So I'm angry with them anyway, even it it was out of their own fear. 1 hr, 58 mins ago via Janetter
I wanted to be defended, but instead felt like I was just being covered-up. I even saw celebrations. So I'm angry & hurt about that too. 1 hr, 55 mins ago via Janetter
I have always struggled with worth. And just so much loss or questioning all at once from every life aspect is something I can't get out of. 1 hr, 51 mins ago via Janetter
But I really need help with trust & stability. Because so many things just seem so damn pointless. 1 hr, 45 mins ago via Janetter
And sinking into the calming "it could be stop soon" is really not good. It's been making me less reactive, but in a more numb way. 1 hr, 42 mins agovia Janetter
And I feel so awful to friends & my cats because of it. Especially when I try to comfort them. 1 hr, 41 mins ago via Janetter
So many things hurt or cause stress, and I still feel like I'm grasping for anything around me to feel like things will be alright. 1 hr, 37 mins ago via Janetter
And because of the shushing, I didn't feel like I was 'allowed' to mourn,or be upset,or anything. I still don't feel 'allowed' to do things. 1 hr, 23 mins ago via Janetter
So that's all gone into lashing out or feeling like "no-one really cares" or feeling like a burden to people. 1 hr, 23 mins ago via Janetter
Asking people for things or asking things to people has become so very hard. So that's another thing I need help with. 1 hr, 22 mins ago via Janetter
I have come to expect to be dismissed, or excluded, or ignored, and it takes a lot of capacity to try to do things past that. 1 hr, 20 mins ago via Janetter
I bought ACNL to try to work on that, but everyone was so busy with other things that in the end I just felt stupid for buying it. 1 hr, 19 mins ago via Janetter
I expect that people have better people to do things with, and that they'd rather have them than me. 1 hr, 19 mins ago via Janetter
I see group things too that I'd like to be a part of, but I've come to expect that people don't want me in them. I need to be invited. 1 hr, 17 mins agovia Janetter
I can't seem to extend myself for things anymore. Things keep going pear-shaped. I need many things to not mess-up,& to build my confidence.1 hr, 11 mins ago via Janetter
I had a great amount of things I put effort into, and a lot of time, end-up having no meaning, being removed, & it felt like no-one cared. 1 hr, 6 mins ago via Janetter
It's just so hard to keep going on, and to try to find a point when I feel like that. And now I feel rushed -to- find a very strong point. 1 hr, 4 mins agovia Janetter
That's why I asked months ago, back when decisions seemed likely to have to make, about if anyone wanted me to visit them. 1 hr, 3 mins ago via Janetter
I've been falling into that messed-up but comforting numbness since October. And it's so damn easy to fall into. 1 hr, 1 min ago via Janetter
And people's ease, those celebrations(& things like that I read Saturday),& such adds a layer of feeling of being hated that makes it easier 55 mins ago via Janetter
My 'home life' adds to that too. Constantly being told I am, or feeling unwanted. & having blame put on me for how things have gone or such. 50 mins ago via Janetter
That "buddy-buddy" thing kind of pulled from everything and that's why it hurt so damn much. 48 mins ago via Janetter
I did try to be a good friend & keep contact, but was ignored or shushed. So I stopped. Then they exploited my fears of abandonment/removal.47 mins ago via Janetter
And when I got upset they told me it was my fault for stopping trying to contact/be sociable. And no-one said "that's not cool". 46 mins ago via Janetter
And I felt so weak because I even begged them to stop. I tried explaining how ignored I felt, but none of that mattered. 45 mins ago via Janetter
So it kind of combined how lost I felt all in one big bundle. And that hurt added to my difficulty trying to talk to people. 44 mins ago via Janetter
I tend to bottle things up. Things that bother me I have a hard time saying directly to someone because I expect to make things worse. 43 mins agovia Janetter
Like I really hate being promised something and not getting it. But I am so afraid no to even ask about it, or to remind someone. 42 mins ago via Janetter
Partly because I expect to be yelled at, or to feel stupid for believing, or to get get another lie. 41 mins ago via Janetter
Like when I kept being ditched at that convention,& then was told to wait somewhere only to find that the people were getting ready to leave 39 mins ago via Janetter
I felt like they didn't want me there to begin with. And though I felt they were trying to leave without me knowing, I never confronted it. 38 mins agovia Janetter
When asked why I left the room upset (I stopped by before my room to find them all packed and going out the door), I lied about why. 37 mins agovia Janetter
I didn't want to be told that I had it wrong,& at the time I felt like an awful friend for even suspecting the worst case. I still had hope. 36 mins ago via Janetter
I never did tell them that was how I felt, instead bottling it up and having it add to my mistrust of everything. 35 mins ago via Janetter
I do that with a lot of things. I just let it eat at me, because I'm so scared. 34 mins ago via Janetter
Like with a lot of Blocks. Even if I have suspicions, I avoid looking into it. I get so anxious & dreading, and wanting to be proved wrong. 32 mins ago via Janetter
Well not just Blocks. I want to have my doubts/dread proved wrong in like everything. 31 mins ago via Janetter
That's why I do the damn holiday card thing every year even though only like 1/3 ever tell me when they've received something. 30 mins ago via Janetter
And I think I should add that I bottle up things and then later get so angry because I didn't say how I felt and just went with things. 12 mins ago via Janetter
Another thing I hate is being told someone has something to mail me and then they never do.Worse when they keep bringing it up that they do.29 mins ago via Janetter
The ex-friend that crashed here over a month used to do that a lot, using it as a "see I care, I have mail for you!" thing when I had doubts 27 mins ago via Janetter
Out friendship felt the same as that big box he had to send. That it only existed when he needed something, or I told him I doubted it. 26 mins agovia Janetter
But yeah, I have a lot I need help working on, and such. Especially when I am having trouble finding a point & 'give-up' seems 'best'. 24 mins agovia Janetter
I think I'm finally going to try sleep again, before I panic & deactivate my account. 22 mins ago via Janetter


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