I can`t deal with the lies, hatred, & eradication. It doesn`t matter if I type or anything or get into anything. The only way it will stop is if I don` exist. Saying stuff hurts doesn't matter, making no contact doesn`t matter (even with no intention of contact), because just by existing I am disposable. How am I supposed to feel knowing me just being about is a problem? 5 Blocks today, and the ones from last month. Both of my families not wanting me, and my adoptive sisters seem to keep getting nastier. My year long attempt to prove my identity to that education fund company failed. And I can`t take feeling like there isn`t, and never was a point to me. That Sarah E.A. Dumphy doesn`t exist (or according to Knowledge First I'm not her), and it`s almost a game to see how worthless `that thing` or `Lady_Noremon` can be made feel. The fucking happy-go-lucky systematic Blocking. I can voice my fears, I can get promises, and then everything is just ignored (people couldn`t even be assed to send text-messages). And worse my fears have been called `silly`, but they keep happening, and every word is just so empty. I can`t handle the fear of who will be next (even those I am close to), and I`m rarely even fully `there` when talking to people. It doesn`t matter if I deactivate or am hundled in a ball crying. I`m scared to check anything. I won`t get other people to try talking for me because it would just cause more eradication & crap; just make things worse (and it makes me feel weak. There is a difference between worthless & weak). I feel so hated, scared, abandoned, angry, & worthless. I found a second wind for acting at not being so low, even while I am working-on trying to do things I should do; like cleaning my garden & going through my stuff. I am a floundering wisp. But even the energy to act had to be kicked out. I keep feeling like I`m not allowed a sanctuary or stability. I`ve been made to no longer want to be anywhere. And it doesn't really seem to matter.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.