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Current Location:Shaglehod in Winter/Nova Scotia, Canada
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Subject:(No Subject)
Time:01:26 am
Current Mood:exhaustedexhausted
I am not even going to try to express in words how low I feel right now. How panicky & upset, and everything else. Right now I do not even feel like it matters even if I did try. I don't know if I can even try contacting anyone. It is late at night here, and of who I want to talk to I don't want to bother, or I am afraid to do so. But I feel so, so alone & it's all crushing in. I can't seem to stop shaking, and I really just don't know what to do.

I want the ignoring, removals, filtering, Blocking, broken promises, deleting, and everything to stop.

I want to be able to trust, I want GOOD contact, I want if I am sociable & tweet things like random pictures, about my cats, shows, video-games I'm playing, and shit like that to get responses. I want when I try to do happy interactive things to get said interaction. I want proof that I don't have to be terrified to talk to people, instead of getting a removal which just proves I had right to be afraid & that I am worthless. I want stability.

I have received removals & a Block this past week by people I considered close friends, but was afraid to talk to. And I cannot deal with the feelings of it. I cannot any more. How am I supposed to handle it? What am I supposed to do?

I deactivated my Twitter to try to stop anymore Blocking on it for now. I deactivated my Facebook for the same thing. Ceasing to exist, to avoid no longer existing. But deactivating my LiveJournal cannot stop that, as you can remove someone even if their account is deleted. So I just have to hope that I don't get removed, that things don't get deleted, that I don't lose access, and all that jazz. And I just am so, so, so terrified. I might as well be outside in this storm we are getting; taking the gamble that I'll survive instead of freezing to death, or having something fall on me.

All I wanted was to know things were going to be alright. I didn't want to be dropped, I wanted continued contact. I wanted to be able to trust. I didn't want to feel this nonexistence feeling. I want to feel loved, not just by a few people, but by others I love. I want to feel like things & I matter & have value. I want to feel wanted instead of everything feeling utterly pointless.

I had things I was going to post about. That "Iron Chef" inspired Asparagus Nest I made for a pouched egg, or the Porkchops with Asparagus Cream Sauce that I made by blending-up the hard ends of asparagus in bouillon & such, and using different spices than usual. And there were a few things I was trying to draw & write. I had a pretty good start to the weekend. Nicki is feeling better (he had another bladder infection), I finished "The Prisoner", made blueberry bran muffins (with added Red River cereal { http://twitpic.com/c20jxb }), watched "Static Shock", and even got to talk to someone I hadn't in awhile. I worked on writing a letter to someone very dear (since I have not the capacity for e-mail, but I'm hella worried), and a few people were happy about stuff I sent them. I even set-up ladynoremon_box. But things happened, and right now I feel like I'm drowning. The air doesn't want to enter my lungs, and my body is so heavy.


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