Naïvety's Star (lady_noremon) wrote,
Naïvety's Star

And this is one of the reasons things aren't 'alright'.

And this is one of the reasons things aren't 'alrig... on Twitpic

So much of this, and it doesn't matter what I say or do or anything. And Hell, when you're Blocked you can't say anything anyway. You cease to exist, or to even have existed.

I've been posting my ask.FM a lot, and that ask me questions about characters meme, and about holiday cards, and it's just more confirmed that there really isn't much point to me posting anything. Just how many have decided I don't exist and don't care. I'm stuck around for another month, but I really don;t see much point to me being about. It's horrifying, and sickening, and hurts. The futility crushes down on me. I can say that something hurts, I can try talking, I can even beg, and none of it matters. I really shouldn't have to constantly fear removals/Blockings/filtering/deleting/etc. but I do, and each one feels like a kick in my stomach and just further confirms things. Do people find enjoyment from it, or feel I deserve it? I cannot see how as much as I've said on it that people don't realise that it hurts. But I'm not enough of a person for it to not be done or to stop. And I have absolutely no voice. I am so, so untrusting, and no-one seems to get why. But honestly how the Hell can I trust that someone cares when they go about removing me when I even said to them that I was terrified that they would and begged them not to? How the Hell can I not be terrified to talk to people? And the more falseness I get the even more unlikely I am to believe other things. It doesn't help that I spent so much asking people to talk to me/begging for contact and such. I feel like nothing I ever did mattered, and I got retconned too. But I'm actually still about to witness it.

Peopel also don't seem to understand that pretty much every other aspect of my life just adds to how I feel & deal with things (And my adoptive sister is fond of reminding me that my mother didn't even want me, which is why I live where I do). It also is not just something that I can just 'get over'. It's really shaken my reactions and beliefs about pretty much everything. It's brought back old issues, and me having very little worth & shouldn't trust has been a continuing theme my whole life. And things are still ongoing. I'm still being ignored, I'm still Blocked, there is still more Blocking or re-Blocking. I was harassed for not being on Twitter, and being back on it I've been ignored and unFollowed and Blocked. People would rather Block me than give me any time of day. I feel so fucking alone on there or anywhere.

And this plus the removals consistantly makes me nauseous whe... on Twitpic

It's things like that and such that just eat at me. That are always there, and no matter how much I try rambling to others or posting pictures it won't change. And I seriously don't have the trust or ability to 'drink the Kool-Aid' to go about making different friends or rebuilding. I can start to feel better, but things are always there to remind/prove that no I don't have worth. That almost everyone has decided that it doesn't matter how I feel, and maybe eventually I'll just disappear.

Comments for this post were disabled by the author