so, so tired---
But later on someone added me back on Twitter to comment on that Saunder story I wrote. The thing is they have me removed off LiveJournal (and everything else), and Blocked on most things. The story is Custom Friends' Locked so they shouldn't have been able to read it (despite me not removing them, as I am not that type of person and had hoped I'd be re-added). And it bothered me that they could, and I said so, because it hurt so much to be systematically removed & Blocked, and it still hurts that they still have me removed & Blocked on so many things (everything from other Twitter accounts, to Blip.FM, to Facebook, to LiveJournal, etc.). That being removed & Blocked made me not even feel human. ...So they decided to re-remove me. I said something hurt me & made me not feel human, so they decided that doing so was the definite thing to do. I feel so disposable, and once again it is more confirmation that I am worthless. ...And because of the total barricade they decided to put up from me (I wasn't Blocked until I gently tried to reach-out myself months ago), the comment itself didn't feel like reaching-out or "good faith", it felt like "Hey I still am not even okay with you being alive, but hey I think your protected entry is cute!" An olive branch with all the leaves ripped-off. Like still having me removed & Blocked really says a lot. Sincerity would be unblocking & adding back on everything, & it's not like I ever removed, filtered, or Blocked anyone. And I just feel like shit right now. (and yet I feel bad. Tom's trying to tell me not to feel guilty for saying something hurts. ...I don't know anything anymore...)
I am still really shakey & upset, but tea & talking to someone helped calm a bit. Not much, but atleast I didn't just bottle it up (though again me saying 'I'm upset' scares me right now.). I also still haven't read a reply someone else made to the story, because I'm scared it is more to make me feel not worth existing. ...I also feel stupid that I thought I was even 'allowed' to post something to Cassius, or that it would go as lighthearted as I had hoped.
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So now I am finishing another cup of tea, & trying to steady enough to mend one of my dress shirts. Then I am going to head-off to attempt sleeps (though I suck at it lately), or maybe read more of "The Wrong Box" then attempt sleeps [a fantastic book that I greatly recommend! It's by Lloyd Osbourne & his stepfather; Robert Louis Stevenson. (but then again I chose it as Cassius' favourite book, so maybe it is not the best read for tonight)]. Tomorrow I need to search for where I claimed my Knowledge First (or whatever it was called back then) withdrawal on my income-tax back in 2008, and try to guard myself for Monday.--I'm going to go to my first legal advice/looking-into of the *poof* education money (luckily the person I'm seeing is my old financial adviser & family friend, so I don't have to worry about fees yet). And then I will have a hella long bath.
EDIT---
Oh, & there is an interview I should share (if I go on my Shaglehod again)! A Fox News reporter interviewed Kevin Bieksa, but thought that he was interviewing Ryan Kesler (I assume by the background noises it was rinkside, so Bieksa was wearing his own uniform too). Bieksa thus made a good but ridiculous Kesler impersonation. He kept praising America & everything. It was wonderful XD
EDIT---
*flump* Well I'm not going to that meeting now today.
