I talked to Trevor tonight quite abit and it helped some. I still feel so lonely. I want to talk to my friends. I'm starting to feel crappy because I KNOW they have their own lives and I feel selfish for wanting them to take time from it to hang-out.
All weekend I have just wanted to hear "I love you" or "how are you?" from Matt, to chill with Trevor, or to have a random multi-topic chat with Armie. [I know Armadei is damn busy with Plato, and Trevor works, and Matt is on vacation. So busy, and the time differences...]
I did some school-work this weekend, but not as much as I had planned on. I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel like it. Like I couldn't make myself feel like it. Usually when I feel like this just a good chat makes me feel loved & alive and I can get right back and draw. I didn't have that till late tonight. Even then though Trevor didn't make me feel much better. He made me feel like I wasn't being so selfish, and promised that he will try and get a get-together of Matt, me & him when Matt get's back. I can't get my hopes up though. I barely can now for things. It just hurts so much when they are forgotten, or avoided. I told myself I'd be more optimistic, but I find I can't open myself so wide anymore. Not even for my best-friends. This is another thing that I hate about myself.
The Sarah I've been the last few months is not the happy vivid Sarah from before. I've lost the will for art, and haven't been in as close of contact with the people who give me that life. [I don't like being depressed!Sarah, or needy!Sarah, but it happens so much lately...it's my own fault really in a way.]
My art used to be full of such organic life. Like the garbage bags, and even the bike wheel that is now on my wall --the same art-piece that the sketch for was thrown on the floor. It still feels like life. The stuff I've made the last few weeks doesn't have that. I don't even want to call it art. I don't like making stuff that doesn't have that artistic life in it. Sure my stuff looks better, but it doesn't flow anymore.
This is one of the last things I've drawn for the sake of drawing. Bad proportions, mispelling (even writting on it for fuck sakes, which is frowned upon along with signing it, which I also did :3), quite a few mistakes where the pen slipped. But it makes me laugh so hard. It makes me grin and have to stiffle the yell of "88 MILES PER HOUR!". This is what I want my art to be. I want it to bring me joy. That is why lately whenever I feel like drawing something I go for it. I force myself out of the chair and go find my personal sketch book or this pad of white paper I keep on my desk.
Still I need hang-out time *heh* ENCORE FOR SELFISH BOTHER!!! *bwahaha*
Ahhh~ 5 hours of sleep tonight....
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