January 27th, 2005



I feel funny inside. Sad, upset, alone, tired, weird, abandoned, anoyed. I guess that just about sums it up. I had Matt over today after we wrote our Chem mid terms. I had the previous night washed/cleaned up for today with him. I even washed my hair in my fav shampoo. As I said all was fine. I know we have to break-up when then move, but I didn't think we had to now. I think Matt kinda uses the whole "It will hurt less now" thing as a excuse to dump me sometimes. Though we haven't really ever broke-up 'cept on Nov 2nd. I feel good with him, using a analogy I feel like Psycho Mantis when he dies. Good. Only more so, more like wonderful. I don't know why in the whole freaking world he wants to leave me. I know I'm fat, ugly, and sorta dumb, but he said he loved me. I know he did at one time, but I guess he finally relized what he had gotten. I am a crappy person. I know you shouldn't say that about yourself unless you deserve it, but I feel I do. I made Matt cry. I wish I hadn't, It makes me feel even more terrible. Now I'll never be able to hold him again. I feel warm/alive/loved/happy when he holds me. I find it the most difficult task in the world to not be able to love him, because he doesn't want me to. Everything was fine I wanted him so bad, and he wanted me aswell. Then he says "We have to make the most of it, it being our last time together." (not in that way, not like that -_-) I was like "WHAT!?" First I had heard of it, and it was I don't remember deciding on anything like that. "Well we're breaking up after this." "no." SO he's all like I thought we talked about this. We hadn't that I remember, and I think I would remeber deciding to have my heart ripped out, and my love throwing me away. But anyway he goes on like well we can wait then, next time? The time after that, maybe not even then. That CRACK HO!!!! Do not make me want you,, then hurt me! If your going to make me want you atleast plan on not breaking up with me every other day. It's too much pain/stress. I shrug him off (he was hugging me), drop the gamecube controller, and mutter "Just forget it." I had to leave the room before I cause harm to him, or start bawling. I can't hate him, but I can be mad at him, for now anyways. So I know I will always be alone from now on. I should try and find a more steady boyfriend, but I know I probbally never will. I'll be cold and alone from the rest of my life. I just want him to know, besides being a crappy one at staying with something, he is a "nice" person.

  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable sad/tired/alone