I'm freeing everyone from me.
I know I often don't add much. I am tired of feeling like some just socialise with me out of obligation or pity. I no longer want to be mostly an inconvenience or burden. So if I am instead of a peep, then take-care if you want to dust your hands of me. The overhanging cloud is crushing me.
Yesterday was the birthday of someone who was my closest friend. We used to call ourselves "twin sisters" even. We had so much in common even from wildly different backgrounds. I love/loved her so much. Last year I let her be. I hit the kill switch. And I felt like a horrible person because of it. But I became scared of every contact I received from her. What it would contain, if it was only sent out of obligation, how to respond, et cetera.
I made a mistake a few years ago. And while it seemed like it would minor to most, the responses contained so much anger. Even to unrelated things, and aspects of myself. More piled on and would reflare after things seemed to be worked out. It felt like these were her true feelings and I didn't know how I was really seen even after she apologised. Visiting her in 2008 was one of my best experiences in my life, but I even developed doubt about that. Like how long had she harboured that towards me and I didn't know? It didn't help that it was around this time I was having a lot of drama elsewhere either.
And it was around then too that she started more into actually adulthood. A proper job, many different hobbies, more mature social circles. While I felt so stagnant. Still unemployed. A mostly wasted university experience. Still liking many of the same interests that we had originally adored together. Also I was horribly depressed. Like everything I did felt pointless. I tried to bring-up past interests but it increasing felt like she had moved past it. It felt more, and more that she was just making time for me out of obligation that we'd been friends for a decade. That I was "making her" do things for me when she didn't really want to. I never seemed to have the right thing to say, but worse was when I thought I did and it ended-up not being so. Contact often read as terse and I felt like utter garbage. I hated feeling like that. I withdrew so much. Like when I fall into a depressive pit I am in general a horrible friend. But I didn't know how to remedy things with her at all.
And another long time friend dumped me a few hours before my birthday which really shook what little confidence in friendship I had built back up. To paraphrase I "took too much energy to be friends with". But when I went to unFollow I saw references to finally being done with a toxic friend. That he had only stayed friends with so long because he didn't think they had anyone else. I became so anxious that other people I thought I was friends with were feeling that way too. I tried dealing with that by forcing myself to be social past where it would exhaust me. And it was exhausting feeling like I always had to relearn where I stood in social circles. Often feeling like I was forcing my way in. Dealing with requests to do things being ignored being worse than not asking at all. I kept pushing myself for months.
But I finally gave-up. I was too exhausted. I felt like if I had to be alone at least I could start trying to deal with it. That there was going to be a lot of hard decisions, trauma, & deaths I was going to have to deal with on my own. I stopped reaching-out for help or companionship. I observed how it really didn't make a difference if I was there or not. That people continued on just fine with their other friends and interests. I didn't feel like I had a place at all. But instead of dwelling on how futile my existence was I started trying to work on myself since I was going to have to be alone with myself a lot. I got a job at a museum, I started taking employment training and workshops. I've noticed that my issues are more with my anxiety than depression now, and I am starting to be more social again too. But not in the desperate need to prove I'm not a horrible person wrong way.
But even though I felt accomplished more than I had for a while, it didn't feel like enough to feel stagnant and dismissed when attempting contact. So I let her move on. Shake the dust of me off her boots and be free of it. And I would stop being afraid and feeling like utter garbage.
I still have a lot of guilt. Like I actually had bought something originally to send her early last year, but I didn't because it felt like if I did then it would "make her" send something back. And I found it when getting my suitcase out for a trip. A Batman sweater in a size much smaller than mine. I got through most of yesterday fine, but as it went on I still had twinges of how wrong it felt not to be contacting her.
I'm also often still really lonely. Things I used to be able to do with others, now get no response. I want so badly to watch movies with someone and chat over IM or live tweet. I still often feel out of place. But I do have some places again, and I have responsibilities. I'm starting on an actual career path and it's exciting and terrifying. My living situation is crap, but maybe sometime soon I will actually be able to breathe again. I still often keep pushing myself to keep going even just to provide for and improve my cats' livelihoods. But I don't feel utterly alone now either.
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