I haven't been posting here much the past while, mostly just little things. Not many people are about on LiveJournal (most that remain in my Friends List cross-post from DreamWidth). And there is the cloud that no-one cares, and I don't have much energy for just doing things for myself now. There's also the past stalking that makes me uncomfortable posting here like anything I say or do would be twisted or found enjoyment out of my misery. [Seriously; the amount of statistics hits from her makes me feel sick to my stomach.] I'll post this entry though to try to get-out some negative feelings since I've been more productive the past week.
I met my new-supposedly permanent-Employment Maintenance Worker at PeopleWorx/CommunityINC. the job & support program I joined around April last year. This is my 4TH EMW since joining. The 1ST got transferred to a different position before I could even have a meeting with her, the 2ND was excellent. I felt so much more sure of my skills and capability with her and she'd find opportunities and workshops to attend (mock interviews & interview skills mostly). But the organisation did restructuring and she got moved to a higher position. We met to discuss what that would mean and that we'd still work together some. But I called the office to set-up a meeting with the 3RD EMW and got the 2ND with a very rushed "I'm sorry we won't be working together anymore. Take-care! *transferred*" before getting transferred. I almost broke-down in tears when setting-up the meeting with the 3RD. It was so sudden and against what we'd had a meeting about (seems the restructuring meant a permanent assignment to the Kentville office and she just had been told that). Also at thus time I was already miserable because I had failed my driving road test, and my mother was forced to retire. I was feeling very low, and feeling like garbage from someone working with had improved my confidence sucked. The 3RD assured we'd continue the 2ND's plans and such, but she didn't. I'd ask about if she'd forwarded paperwork or found-out information I'd ask about and she wouldn't do anything. The only reason we even met at the office (she preferred telephone-calls or e-mail) is because I insisted because it made me feel I was being even a bit productive. I stopped seeing a point in continuing but I worried if I complained they'd take it as me just not being interested enough in work or the program. Then I got an unexpected letter for a meeting in a couple weeks with the one whose department funds the courses I take and gives a transportation stipend (since I have no income) to get there. I hate, hate meeting with her. The first time I spoke with her to set-up a meeting to get in the program she accused me of lying about not having my driver's license or a car. That I was probably just too lazy to go to rush to a meeting that afternoon. Then at the meeting the next day she suggested I take my cats to an animal shelter and leave them to save money. "There are places called shelters, you know?" still pisses me off to remember. Anyway, every do often I have to take her department bank statements to prove my lack of income and to show proof of attending the courses/workshops. I hate meeting with her and her whole department. While the Middleton PeopleWorx/CommunityINC. crew are so supportive & understanding, that other department are people that treat me like I don't have a job because I am just lazy and like I'm trying to find a way to collect the fees without paying for or attending the courses/workshops. After I got the letter I had a meeting with the 3RD EMW and admitted I felt too overwhelmed to continue looking for work right then, so we agreed on a break until after the finance meeting (so about a 2 week break), but set-up an appointment for after. Finance woman apparently contacted the CommunityINC. supervisor I meet with and got confirmation that I was actually attending things there. Supervisor tried to advocate for me a bit since before the 3RD EMW I had made real progress. I had even gotten my full driver's license! And she send her information on a several times a week several week workshop in Middleton she thought would be good for me to take if it could be paid for. She also stupidly mentioned how good she thought having my cats was for me. Only "stupidly" because this woman doesn't like me having them. Supervisor e-mailed me to tell me about that course too and to not be worried about the meeting. Also she was sorry I wasn't working with 3RD EMW anymore. Completely new news to me. I was very upset and didn't respond until after my meeting. Which was horrible. Not as bad as the meeting in the spring with the previous program I attended which lead me to go to CommunityINC. (They wanted me to take a 10 week course 2 hours away. Without any help with transportation and an expectation I'd not be late for any days...when the morning bus wouldn't arrive until the start time meaning if I relied on transit I'd be late at times. I was yelled at, called lazy, and told my crying was disrespectful when I broke-down.), but so awful. She again suggested I give-up my cats (I especially wouldn't drop-off 11 year-old Minnow at a shelter), and didn't think I was doing enough. The course the CommunityINC. supervisor thought would be good wasn't enough. She wouldn't put through a claim for it. She thought I should take an everyday 9:00AM-5:00PM course in Kentville (1 1/2 hours away versus 30 minutes) instead. The last weekday transit bus to get on to transfer back to Bridgetown leaves at 5:24PM, but the location wasn't near a bus stop. So I'd have to leave here at 5:00AM to walk to the bus stop (it's across the side of town I'm outside of), in order to catch the 6:00AM bus to get up there in time, then either leave early or pay a shuttle service to get back. My protests were met with a suggestion that I move up that way before course start date instead of relying on transport from Bridgetown. She offered $100.00 to help with it and expected me to give her a plan & list of expenses by the next week. I pointed-out that was ridiculous! Like I do want to move after I have employment because living here is stressful Hell. But I sure as fuck wasn't moving within 3 weeks, over Christmas, without any way to pay rent or anything. I started crying because I was overwhelmed. I practically begged to reconsider the other course. She thought the further away one would be better. Every accomplishment I mentioned got "well that's not very much". Then she told me to choose move or attend the other one, and implied there would be no more funding if I didn't pick an option. I just sat there crying silently. Her next appointment was soon so she told me to get back to her with it. I e-mailed the nice supervisor that night a long rambling e-mail about how overwhelmed and unsupported I felt. Like nothing I did felt good enough. And how the 3RD EMW made me feel like trash. So she set-up a meeting to show I had support there anyway and to discuss other options. She also contacted the other woman to advocate for me more. That woman decided that she was going to attend that meeting too. To see for herself if we were doing dickall. The meeting was at 10:00AM and I got to the office a bit before. The supervisor told me the woman had called around 9:30AM to reschedule for 2:00PM instead. So I went to try to eat something and such. I was too nervous to eat much and thought I was going to vomit what I had. The only thing that helped was playing "Lifeline" [a fantastic Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel/game for Android/iOS] which I had bought on the Google Play Store's Cyber Monday sale. I ended-up returning to the office to just sit & wait. 2:00PM came and she still wasn't there. The supervisor was worried about starting the meeting without her but she wasn't answering her telephone. She arrived very late and luckily by then I had stewed my nerves away with anger! Supervisor was excellent. Got her to agree to the Middleton course. But I was exhausted by the time I got to leave. The supervisor decided we should wait until the new Middleton EMW got back from maternity leave to go over everything. She was the original Employment Maintenance Worker for there so knew the job and the supervisor thought she'd be a good match. The 4TH EMW I was assigned to was supposed to return before Christmas so I got a meeting for December 22ND. I showed-up and new EMW had decided to take her holiday break early starting that day. Which made my first impressions :/ Especially given my experience with 3RD EMW (who I learned refused to return to the rural Middleton office). The course for January didn't start as planned because the organisers are reworking it, but the 4TH EMW set-up a meeting to meet. I arrived and she didn't come to the waiting area to meet me until about 20 minutes after the meeting time (they don't allow interruptions to the offices due to client confidentiality). So I was even more pessimistic about her. I felt like we'd probably meet a few times, she wouldn't follow through on things, and then she'd transfer or such. It felt like I was probably wasting the energy to even meet. But the 1ST meeting went well. We set-up one for the next week. But I still was pessimistic. Especially after I contacted her that afternoon at Stats Canada volunteer work information I had heard off and didn't get an "I'll look into it!" reply until 4 days later. Something the PeopleWorx front desk found and gave me forms for within a few minutes when I stopped in when my mom was there to ask about taking a safe food handling course. The EMW meeting was scheduled for Wednesday but she e-mailed me Monday to try to rebook for that 1:00PM afternoon. I only check that e-mail about once a day so I didn't get it until around 3:00PM. I was annoyed she didn't call instead because I could have made it if I had known earlier. So she made one for Tuesday instead. And despite not wanting to venture out I went. It was worth it! She had 3 volunteer/work opportunities lined-up to put my name in. We filled-out the many page census volunteers forms. She signed me up for STEPS For Success an hour long walk around town then have tea & snacks thing. It's to help people who have withdrawn due to unemployment/anxiety socialise or at least get out of the house. She even got me a pamphlet on an art meeting group for playing around with expensive provided art supplies. One of the things she put my name in for is a local television series called "Bigfoot Town". Where I have backstage technical & properties experience from university. That's something I would really like to do! She even contacted 2ND EMW and looked into what we were doing (3RD didn't respond and 4TH admitted she didn't like being an Employment Maintenance Worker). The first STEPS meeting was Monday and it went alright. The cold air walking bothered my asthma though, so I held-in most coughs because once I started I'd start gagging too. I'll wear a scarf next time to help. The other 2 clients that arrived were older with different interests so it really wasn't much socialising. 4TH EMW says there are other members that should attend later ones so we'll see. She also wants us to try journaling but I doubt I will. Nothing I physically write is safe in this house and I had bad associations with journaling online or in private. We did have another good meeting after though. We made a list of goals and she gave me the results of contacting places with my name. Also Stats Canada just delivered a bunch of business cards & pamphlets there that day so we agreed it looks nice that I applied beforehand. Seeing the struggles other PeopleWorx/CommunityINC. clients have makes me feel better. Not in a snooty way or I don't belong there with them. But like one of the STEPS members is illiterate. I have no problem reading & writing (even if I do handwriting) so that's not a hurdle I have. And like I am stressed about cover letter writing but another client had to get help filling-out a contact information form. He had to use his girlfriend's telephone number and has a criminal record. So if they can help them get a job, then I can get something too! So I'm feeling productive & optimistic now! Which adds a bit of "what bad thing will happen next to ruin this feeling" dread.
I'm worried about when the next big upset will happen and ruin any building-up I have managed again. And I've been really antsy this time with private contacts. Like especially Tumblr Messaging since I don't often check the desktop website and there is no preview of the message before opening it. Also e-mails make me on edge. I'm scared of the next "I'm done with you" message and just would rather talk to people in public right now. Like even expected eBay messages unnerve me. I used to ask if people would sent me something distracting or cheering to have for after reading stressful things but no-one did so I gave-up. Facing them alone when I'm so scared of their contents is too much for me on my own right now.
I've learned that Facebook Messages make me scared too still, I thought I had gotten over it back when Jeremy & Mattsles would sent me little things. But I'm not. A past friend from middle school messaged me and another past friend to try to catch-up and talk about the new Sailor Moon anime. I didn't respond and the other one didn't either but it upset me a lot. The other person was a girl I told I could no longer be friends with back in middle school. She was using me as an alibi without asking me. Like telling her father (who never confirmed with me as he considered me trustworthy) she was at my place when really she'd be with her older boyfriend or at a party. I found-out and told her I didn't want to be involved. But she didn't stop, and called me up one Friday to tell me to tell her father she was staying the weekend with me (she was really taking a trip with her boyfriend). I told my mother who told her family. But Monday I told her I couldn't be friends any more. But then she got pregnant by the older boyfriend and I tried being her friend for a bit since I wanted her to have someone but dropped contact when she left school. People (like our English teacher) thought it was because she was pregnant that I dropped her, so I had a lot of guilt the remaining school time. It's been a couple weeks and no response from her to the message either so I'm more optimistic there won't be one. I asked for advice in a locked Facebook post and got response ranging from I should respond & rekindle friendship, to not to open that box since I didn't want any contact and to say how I feel if further contacted. The latter I went with. I've moved on and she probably has too. But it's made me jumpy every time I see the little notification number by the Messages icon :/ I thought I was over that!
Yeah, I didn't post about it here (due again to not wanting my stalker to find joy in my misery), but one of my long-time friends dropped me back in June. A little under 4 hours before my birthday in fact, which really made it worse. It felt like he needed to be rid if me so bad that he couldn't wait until after my birthday. I also worry I was the reason he did it that day because I had linked him a silly cat video that morning, and I wondered if I hadn't I might have been able to not have my birthday ruined. Also what made it worse is even after Direct Messaging me that he was dropping me he still continued to ReTweet & Favourite my ReTweets. Making me feel like I meant nothing but content for him to not even think twice about maybe not doing so. Also the bullshit of "I hope you have a good birthday besides!" & "I'll really miss playing video-games with you and my cat will miss you too" pissed me off. Like if he gave a flying fuck he would have waited even one more fucking day. And the first tweet I saw when I went to unFollow him was like "Got rid of toxic person". It's like he knew I was going to see his tweets still for a bit, why fucking grind it in that he deemed I had to be garbaged? I hate the thought of everything I had ever mailed getting garbaged. I would have at least asked for the water canister I sent to be sent back but at the time I didn't think anything I said or replied with mattered. It wasn't going to change the situation or change his decision to dispose of me. I publicly asked for someone to talk to but mostly just got "cheer-up" messages and no-one could be assed. I begged for people to at least help fill my Notifications up with something that wasn't him, but only one person did the next day. I am so grateful to KoujiKouichi for doing that. Also he only removed me on Twitter (then days later reFollowed & unFollowed me like some sick joke. Which is when I Blocked him because I weighed how much that hurt with never wanting things filling my Notifications again) & Facebook so I've had to encounter his activity elsewhere. It shouldn't be my job to remove him. I didn't decide we were no longer friends. I did remove him on YouTube though. Because he uploaded videos on my birthday and I didn't need encountering him when I watched my YouTube Recommended & Subscriptions that night to distract myself. And I had to remove him from Google+ because his name & picture showing at the top of every in-common game or the top of in-common application reviews in the Google Play Store was hurt. He stopped showing-up for a bit and then reappeared. I went through so many support telephone calls & forum/support requests to try to have him stop showing. It got so his smiling face felt like indirect harassment. I did everything from Blocking to uninstalling/reinstalling the Google Play Store from my device. One support suggested I just make a new account to use for the Google Play Store. But I refused. Why the fuck should I abandon all my purchases & my Google Play Games score/achievements over one person?! But the Google+ support filed a report with the privacy team over it since Blocking really should work when it's done. And it got fixed. But when "The Battle Cats" updated I went to the application page to update and he was back. Several more 3 hour telephone calls where we tried everything short of a Factory Reset. But again the Google+ support helped the most. Even though it was a problem with the Google Play Store's server loading old data and nothing to do with Google+ or my device. I had to redo my device Contacts because I unlinked my Google account with my device and relinked it thus syncing all my GMail contacts :/ And it removed the pictures I had for some that were added with Viber. And it didn't help the Google Play Store problem at all. It wouldn't have helped anyway because it was as suspected the Google Play Store's server at fault. But it was Hell to go through. It was either deal with seeing his face & name every time I used the Google Play Store or not use it. I hated the run-around of the forums telling me to call support, support having me try things then transferring me and I'd have to explain all over and retry things again. I was really feeling violated. Like when even Blocking didn't work (which was hard for me at least because we were friends) it felt like again that my boundary setting didn't matter. And the lack of support (besides from the Google+ support) didn't help any. He still has me on Miiverse so I haven't been on much that much since June. Or played my 3DS (I went from using it every day to packing it away after I couldn't be bothered recharging it to not use it again). Though McDonald's ending their Nintendo Zone hasn't helped that much either, since I can't get StreetPass relays any more. I avoided it at first because I didn't want a Friend Online notification to be him logging-in. Now I avoid it because I do not have the capacity to remove him from Miiverse but can't handle using it with my stream full of his activity. And again I wasn't the one who decided we were no longer friends. It shouldn't all fall on me. He should have taken responsibility for the decision he chose.
But it was like the last straw in trusting that it mattered if I was around. That I could trust people to not just find me a bother. Because I had been trying so hard to be more sociable and to explain away things that I was anxious over. Like him not replying to my tweets much was just because he had a lot going-on and was struggling too. But on reading back when I was clearing my Janetter cache a lot was cold. But I had chose to believe it was just my anxiety so being dropped hit me out of the blue. Especially since he had previously guaranteed he wasn't going anywhere any time soon and that it mattered and he enjoyed me being around. Which the next month ended-up being utter bullshit. So it's really fucked-up how I interact with people.
Like I've often felt like just a burden to people or worried I was an annoyance. But this took that little optimism that it was just my anxiety away. I don't know whether to trust logic or my gut feeling over things. Like I didn't put any faith into my worry and thus was an idiot. So I've been really bad with interacting with people. I worry I'm just being tolerated and they might secretly be wanting to be done with me. Do you know how hard it is when I worry people are just tolerating me? That maybe every time I contact them they are wanting me gone from their lives instead. Or that I'm taking their time away from things they'd rather be doing. That they have to take time away from more important things to respond to me (and explaining that to a friend got an allegory to an ex-friend of hers which despite trying to tell myself wasn't a confirmation that I'd annoy if I contacted, I can't shake). So I've kinda stopped responding to things like LiveJournal entries others post. I know a lot are cross-posting them from DreamWidth so my responding on LiveJournal means they have to go more out of their way to log-in here and reply. A lot of my responses get ignored-especially on Twitter-too so that also makes things harder. I have no confidence in my place in peoples' lives now. It doesn't help that many people I want to talk to have jobs and more things than I have. Years ago Allan said something which has stuck with me and made me feel bad bothering busy people, even when I know that it was probably said to deflect from his activities when he was seeing someone else and not wanting me to find-out [The whole Allan thing was an exercise in trust for me. Right from the start I promised myself not to put my experience with Matthew Sprague onto him. So I'd take his absences in just being busy and not ignoring me on purpose to laugh about with his friends over my reaction.(I found-out from his cousin that at least on one occasion he'd left his computer microphone on to let people listen in)]. That I should respect that other people have more on their plate than me who doesn't even have a job. And it still bugs me because I know people are often tired after work and try to fit in things they want or have to do around it. And I don't feel like people actually want to interact with me when they have other things.
I hate feeling like I have no lasting value. That everything I do doesn't really matter. That things/people go on just fine without me. Every conversation I have is just part of the countdown to when a friendship will be over. And it makes it hard to even start interactions. It doesn't help that I already know how easy people can be done with me and how little things I've put a lot of effort into mean. And it's not that things or I end-up not mattering, people have gone out of their way to erase things. Like that asshole editing his Nova Scotia trip post to remove mention of me, Allan deleting his posts on me, people even changing the names of things that we named together or removing my NPCs. It really fucks with me wanting to do anything else. I don't even play games like I did because most of my ramblings on them or achievements were ignored. Like even when I got my beginner's license it felt like the only reason people responded was because I messaged them about it. Even my productivity with PeopleWorx/CommunityINC. only really matters to them & me.
So I get to feeling like nothing I do matters. That I need to learn to deal with things alone because everyone I care about will either be done with me or dead. And the only reason to continue is because I need to look after my cats. So many times they have been the reason I go to horrible meetings or make stressful telephone calls. Because they need food & veterinary care, and to get out of this residence. Like seriously living here is getting so bad. Constantly belittled or having my mother kicking me out or my experience in Alberta thrown in my face. They fight that I haven't done enough to warrant having a bath, or they fight about eating, or how I wash the dishes after I eat. Or that I'm trying to poison them with the cleaning supplies I use to clean, or if I don't clean that I'm doing nothing for the house. I spent weeks and over $100.00 painting & fixing things for the house in the summer and then was told I didn't do anything at all. They get pissed if I stay in my room but pissed if I "take over the kitchen" too. But I don't have the finances to move elsewhere especially when it isn't just me to worry about. Minnow, Nicolas, & Lydia are so important to me and my wellbeing. And I hate worrying about when they'll be gone. And that I'll probably have to sign euthanisation forms to end my babies' lives. And that I'll have to deal with all that by myself. And I don't know how to continue with that overhanging.
I hate looking back to when I was suicidal in 2007/2008 because I wasn't alone then. I had people I could message to talk to. I had events to attend or look forward to. I had a weekly RuneScape clan event to add routine and socialisation with. And now I have nothing. I feel like I'm just bothering people. I have no group activities or even anyone to play games with. I feel like an annoyance for asking for things like that. Jeremy never did play "Fantasy Life" with me. Asking Mattsles to do the RuneScape anniversary events got brushed-off. No-one will ever watch "Hairspray" or the other Sharknado movies with me. It's so damn pathetic to hope or ask for it. Even though I feel better doodling or writing some now, it really doesn't matter if I do (And the statistics hits on past writing and having my character called messed-up to prove I was messed-up also doesn't help me do things.). Like I used to exchange or collaborate on art or things with people. Now I have no place anywhere. I can't stand being so unsure of where I stand with people or whether I should even be around places. And most of the time I can't stand the loneliness or the pointlessness.
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