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[icon] 02-22-2015 - Long Shot Of That Jumping Sign~♫
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Subject:02-22-2015
Time:06:11 pm
Current Mood:scaredscared
So, I deactivated my Twitter because I finally snapped about my stalker. "Stalking" is a loaded word, but as they enjoy using labelling as a tactic to make me feel unsafe along with the stalking/monitoring, I don't care. If even a vague tweet last year on a side-account where I didn't use their name or anything lead to UNWANTED contact and then weeks of trying to make me feel unsafe around my friends, and thinly-veiled attacks, I'm terrified about what my finally admitting what my increasing numbers were about.

An old screenshot from last year, not including the My Guests & when they were showing-up from a generic location (confirmed them by the My Guests) → { http://moby.to/0u3d57 }



Pretty much this person (see, I'm calling them a person. Not falling into using a label and trying to portray them as not even human) shows-up in my journal statistics on average twice a day for the past 2 years. I am only counting 2 years despite this going on 4 years, because I didn't start keeping better track until then. Actually they were why I put up MapLoco!s places most places anyway, as I noticed their accounts were in my LiveJournal My Guests several times a day. At first I found it flattering, and like maybe they didn't mean the removals. But on learning just how much she hates my guts it has become very unnerving. On 12 views in 2 days earlier this month, that plus other stresses caused another fissure which is just healing now. And they'll do it without even getting a "this user has updated their Journal!" tracking notification. It's like they do it just waiting for me to say something. And after the attacks (Yes, attacks. They continued after i said I wanted it to stop. After it was known it was making feel unsafe.), I have a constant dread that they are just waiting for me to say something just so they can start more attacks. Last time I was terrified of losing our mutual friends. And they used that, and fuelled off it. But I've spent months pulling away from people, in the event that things will start again. They probably enjoy how unsafe I feel. They tend to twist things I've said or done around to portray me as an awful person. Practically a rapist, and someone that does exactly what in actuality they are doing. Reacting with attacks over vague things said that could be about them, monitoring everything they say, etc. They've even gone so far as to suggest I was delusional and in need of psychiatric help. Yep, telling mutual friends that I was crazy to invalidate me feeling violated by them.

They ignored my boundaries so many times, and lead me around like a dog with lies. I said "no" to playing with their #EBz character wearing a wedding dress repeatedly [":( I know, but I said the answer was no", "the answer is no, is that alright?", "I feel scared that it will get thrown at me anyway and I'll have to play it"] , and even said why that it was because I was squicked-out by the marriage play fetish thing. It got dropped on me so many times, and even brought up to the group in public that they didn't feel right about my character's no to it. It felt like they were trying to portray it as my character being like some boyfriend telling their girlfriend to change before going out dressed like a slut. Instead of you, know, being something with sexual vibes related to something I said squicked me before and that I wasn't comfortable having any part in. I even said once I was scared the marriage play thing which was supposed to be a "misunderstanding" and would be dropped (but their partner had a tweeting rant which made me feel unsafe to play with them, and then the constant scenes with others in the wedding dress), and was reassured I had nothing to fear. The next day they proceeded to play 'A wife saying good-bye to their husband to go on a cruise with their little adultery'. It was a scene that didn't have to be played, especially in public. They'd moved their S&M type stuff to private to not make others feel uncomfortable. But of course my boundaries meant nothing. I reacted by saying my character wasn't comfortable with it (as I'd just had my own discomfort violated and I felt like that didn't matter to them), and got utterly dismissed. Now they play my character's violation and refusal to have anything to do with marriage play as jealousy (and my character's death as a bitch who just dropped everyone an left, instead of death). Because it's not enough to just not mention it again after I left, they have to twist it and refer to it maliciously. I put trust in them and had that trust used to play my fears I'd shared against me. But the time I admitted not trusting them fully years ago got played into "my abuser says she bullshitted me when I offered goodwill". Completely dismissing that I had just had months of feeling violated and it took all my courage to even say I was squicked. I couldn't just turn my feelings off like a switch. But then again my feeling of violation is only a delusion in my head.

I deactivated because I knew seeing the tweets would cause attacks. Because of course they'd be monitoring everything I said. And then get pissed and have to say something, despite me not saying who they are or naming them. Because it feels like they want to control things I say. That they are so bent on burying any sort of violation they caused, they'll go for anything. When told that my panicked reaction to they dropping all threads including one that could have lead to a sex scene (the active thread section where I said I didn't want it to conveniently having been deleted.), was seen as me trying to force them to play a sex scene, I tried to explain that it wasn't. But said I could see how that could have been taken that way, and apologised if it had. The response I got was "LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!" so what more can I say? The fact that my response to ALL dropped threads came after being lied to for months about them, and after the day earlier being told to take time to think over what I wanted to do with them; and them just adding them to dropped in the active threads the next day, and having just had something I said I was scared of dropped on me, being completely ignored as to why I reacted such. I hate that none of our mutual friends called them out on continuing to attack after I'd requested it to stop. I hate that one even encouraged them not to deleted the then added tweets. I just want this to stop. But they seem to enjoy the power they get by making me feel unsafe, and they stresses it puts on my friendships. They'd probably prefer me to just drop mutual friends, or to no exist at all.

And before they try to play my deactivation as "abusers hide things" again, I'll include a copy&paste of my tweets:

►1071
►These numbers are roughly how many times someone has showed-up in my journal statistics in 2 years [not quite 2, as it isn't April].
►Yes, averaging over twice a day. Yes, it's unnerving. I know my Twitter & Tumblr are viewed more but I can't track them.
►[-All- my Twitters. I said 1 tweet of something vague on a side-account last year, without any names and it lead to contact.]
►Yes, I take this constant monitoring as harassment. And with all my other stresses I don't need it.
►I don't want any contact on this. Any contact even through another person is unwanted. Hell, I'll probably deactivate out of fear now.
►"Stalking" is a loaded word. It was flattering at first, but now knowing they hate my guts, I can't deal anymore.
►I don't feel safe at all. I know finally saying something will lead to crap & I'll lose friends. So deactivating now.
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[icon] 02-22-2015 - Long Shot Of That Jumping Sign~♫
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