I am feeling kind of numb right now, and haven`t exited out of this, so I may as well actually post. I had made a Voice Post like a week ago, but then locked it. I talked about what I did over July-August, the results of my specialist appointment, DMMd, my "The Starship Damery" playthrough on YouTube, catching-up on "Fables", leaving RuneScape (My god is now dead, and a lot of his quests were removed), getting parcels from peeps, pre-ordering a Wii U, anxieties over "Animal Crossing: New Leaf", a close friend getting laid-off & my fears (& my fears of him moving/never seeing him again), a daytrip with another close friend, my trip to Oaklawn Farm Zoo, et cetera, et cetera. But I felt like it didn`t matter and using my voice, just like my name just made being made feel not like a person worse. That`s why I stopped using my name places, instead using a part of a lyric from a Duran Duran song. And using `Sarah-Sarah` was even worse, because it was a pet name for me from friends, and it made me feel sick when someone used it to make me feel less. Like how people named Elizabeth get called `Lizzie` to bring them down. So though there is a bit of losing my identity feeling, I use "These words are all remainders, echoes growing in the heart of twilight. They lay back laughing at naïvety`s star.". I just am so tired of not feeling like anything.
I haven`t been updating here because it feels so pointless. I get reminded of Akane`s `futile` conversation. Everything feels pointless. And I don`t have the energy to type something up anyway when it doesn`t really matter. It feels like nothing I do matters, and nothing I have ever done matters (and stuff I put a great deal of effort into never mattered). And that my existence or the existence of those things feels in the least bothersome to some people. Which hurts & adds to my pointlessness. And sometimes it`s like I`m giving-out my weaknesses or inviting things. It`s like very few actually care if I update anyway? Regardless if I went to DreamWidth or not, I doubt many other people would care about the sad ramblings of a "deeply screwed up" little woman. And with my lack of energy & feeling pointless, I don`t even see a point of doing things just for myself. I know some read this LiveJournal, but I mean it doesn`t seem like I have anything worth reading. Or that the absence of what I do post matters. And for the rest the absence probably isn`t even noticed.
I am so tired. I`m exhausted with feeling meaningless. And all this tiredness & pain has just made everything feel pointless. I`m exhausted from eradication. And exhausted with the fear from that and of more to come. And so many other things have too much fear, and being afraid so much makes me more tired. My trust is crap. It sometimes feels like I`m so tired I just give-up. I said/did things I regret, but I keep constantly being beat down more so. Other times I haven`t done anything, and am still beat down. It feels like even super awesome things that make me hella excited don`t over balance (but my god of Balance is dead) things that make me low; though I really am happy to have the good things.
I`ve had ideas for posts, but cannot find a point or energy for it. I could post about Clear & "DRAMATICAL Murder" [or write those fanfics, even the Howl/Sophie one (though DMMd has a bad taste in my mouth right now, not related to the game itself). I even have other things I don`t feel `allowed` to.], make a whole picture/video post about Oaklawn, my health (and high white blood cell count), how happy postal mail stuff made me (which it does, it makes things seem more thoughtful & less transcient), or even just make a poll to try to find a name for my new stuffed peacock. But it feels too pointless [And with the poll from experience hardly anyone would participate (and the feeling they are only doing so out of obligation), and doing sociable activities are so increasingly hard]. It feels like it doesn`t matter if I am here or really anywhere (and Twitter is because I`m too lonely), so I`ve not been updating.
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