Trying the My LJ/Portal posting thing. Shame it lacks User-Picture selection & such, but the submit/such buttons aren't disabled like the new main update page. I Locked my last 2 entries (rambling, almost crying, & upset Voice Posts), so this is a bullet formed attempt here.
→I am about still, not online, feeling very low (Alberta low), pointless, scared, & such. But still floundering about.
→I had to go with mom to have Lotty [Charlotte] put down on Tuesday. She used to be my cat before my mother kicked me out. Calico, and almost 16 years-old. I got her when she was only a couple weeks old & had to wean her with a bottle. She survived being hit by 2 cars (she had reconstructive surgery on her face), and several health scares. This was an unknown tumour on her lungs that burst. Mom paid for x-rays to confirm, and there was nothing that could be done. I keep have bouts of hands to my mouth horror over all of it. It was so, so hard. And none of my uncles could be bothered to bury her yet. The ground is too hard for me or Mom to, but they have stuff. And now it has stormed, and it is just so upsetting & hard.
→My Nintendo 3DS got back on February 10TH. The hinge is fixed! I also got 9 StreetPasses (1 person twice). One from Antigua, one from Alaska, one from Colorado, and the rest from Washington. They set it back in time 2 years (January 2011), ran some applications that show as a bunch of "??????????". a DS Demonstration program, opened my Internet Browser, then set the time back.
→I haven't been doing much with it though, but did play until Chapter 7 in "Professor Layton and the Unwound Future" (since I finally watched my Eternal Diva DVD). The Slot Machine Gun was so, so cool.
→I managed to play "Echo Bazaar" for the Feast of the Exceptional Rose. I had to rely on grinding for Gifts of Scorn & buying Nex on my Robin account. He doesn't have the Connected for the teeth or dagger though. And I bought a doll & maggot instead of 2 Box of Potentials (to see tge results pages), but didn't draw the Lilac card again until the Feast ended (I played some of the Sunlight stuff, but I can't get into that because never being able to role-play it is upsetting). I learned that the Maggot & doll are only worth 3 Masquing and only if you have under 25 (I traded in the dead bats the first time I drew the card earlier in the week). So even if I exchanged a candied mushroom, I'd still only have 37 Masquing. I wanted Lettice the Mercy which needs 40 Masquing. So my whole weeks of playing & my Nex has been wasted. I feel like such a fuck-up. I did e-mail Fail Better in a reply to the support I had Thursday over the Nex not showing-up, and having bought it for the Feast, but I doubt anything will come of it--why would it? What do I matter?
→I did get a Bandaged Raven though (I was stuck between her & the Parisian Messenger Tortoise). I've decided she's a Corvus Mellori/little raven. They have bright pale eyes, are smaller than regular ravens, and are from the Australia area.
→I was going to draw a picture of her & Lorrie, but I couldn't shake the removals feeling & the now Masquing fuck-up have me too sickened.
→I missed Winterfest this year because being low means I don't deal with dates/time well.
→I bought cheesecake for my mom & I for Saint Valentine's Day. Besides having a card to send Armie (not sent because she sent me a letter, and I want to stick both my response & the card together). I also got a box of pirate valentines, & sent 2 of those out too. And that was how I spent it. I knew my mailbox thing wouldn't get response as I didn't advertise it, and I chose not to reactivate my Twitter for it. Since it was a choice of being alone, or dealing with mass removals & Blocking.
→Because I am terrified that people are just waiting to pounce on doing such as soon as it's activated.
→I keep having spells of feeling dizzy, my stomach lurching, sweating, heart pounding & such over it all.
→I really don't know what to do about my Twitter. I wanted to have a decision by February 28TH, but fuck this fear. Only 3 people even seem to care I'm not there, and on one hand it's like I should reactivate for people like that, & because I've had it since 2008, & all those Following. But on the other it's like what is the point of having one if I have no real worth there? For every person who may care there are 3, or 4, or 5 that see me as disposable. Not a person.
→I hate feeling so hated.
→It doesn't matter if I try responding to anything. The replies are frozen (and I'm probably Banned now). And I've been saying the same things for over a year. My fears which I was told were silly, and the promises not too, but then having people do most of them. I just wanted to know things were going to be alright, and I wouldn't be dropped. Contact. And I did try. I did have faith, but none of it mattered. Hell I even spent around $400 to just hang-out. And I can't put into words how it feels to know people I love just would hit delete on all the text-messages & IMs I sent. That they can take the time to go around removing/Blocking me, but couldn't just stop ignoring. It's sickening. It's horrifying how easy it is for me to not exist. And it feels like the majority of everyone I know doesn't care about it at all.
→Which is why 'getting help' or 'talking to someone' doesn't seem like it would matter. Is it going to make anything better? Is it going to stop the ignoring, removals, filtering, Blocking, Banning, & everything? Is it going to make me have worth? It's like I'd be expected to believe things that all the evidence points to being false. How can I believe any of it again, when there is all the stuff that is more than words showing that I am nothing, and nothing matters. I have built myself up so, so many times! And at least then I had some sort of supports, but now it's like every aspect of my life is showing the same thing. There is no substantial group, or family, or what-not here for support, so what is 'talking to someone' going to do? I have no trust, and all that jazz.
→Like Hell, no-one gets it's not just with online stuff. Even Thursday youngest adoptive sister (the one who flew-off about me attending the family reunion) had a random fit because I (or "that 24 year-old") wanted to stay sitting in the kitchen while she wanted to visit "her mother".
→And I really don't know what to do about my Twitter & just everything.
→I did finally manage to get a copy of "The Erciyes Fragments".
→And I had reinstalled Bloodlines last weekend, but haven't played past the tutorial with all the other things happening. I am having to play without the official patch though, since it seems it was the cause of the not saving screenshots & getting stuck in windowed mode from my last time installing before my reformat. There are work-arounds if I encounter the bugs at least. And it's no different than when I played it extensively last time as I had no Internet to download the patch anyway. I'm using the extra stat dots on character creation glitch this time too, as I planned playing this time for the story & a distraction.
→By the way: Beckett is so cool. I wonder if he'll glitch & stay in wolf!form this time too? [Every time I met Beckett in 2007-2009 he stayed as a blue wolf, and thus all my conversations were him talking to Zinnian's crotch]
→Zinnian/Alexander has changed since first creation. Though I guess I and him are older now. I'd still give him higher Auspex than Celerity, and NO Presence though. And he still is a terrible Toreador. And still would rather be Independent. So if I do play Bloodlines again, I'm not going to focus on Seduction so much this time, and I gave him points in Scholarship (which having been a university student, he'd have).
→I should type a character sheet thing using that role-play template for him.
Stuck it all together. I hate the new update/edit page.
I cannot express how grateful I am, and I have no idea how to respond!
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