Well it seems that everyone me on my flist is able to spill out their thoughts and feelings and troubles into their journals.
I am sitting here, and I still have no idea what to reply to any of it.
I have been so frazzled lately, and I have been missing time from school, because of my side being sore, aswell as me simply not feeling like going or doing anything. I've been blah and tired.
I've only been feeling; stressed, sad, tired, and "oh I want Matt"
These can be negative emotions to feel some times. Well maybe not the last, but right now it is since Matt is too far away and isn't in the mood anyway. I really shouldn't use someone I care about so much anyway, not that I am, atleast not at the moment.
I feel alone. Like I can deal with it. I like have to, but I don't have any good friends close by, and even then I can't talk to them whenever I want. Trev is working too much, and Matt's at work on the weekends and the time difference is a killer.
I will be most likely moving to Grande Prairie at the end of August. I have been planning for awhile and have all but; course selection (just got it last Thursday and need to re-read it again), my Mutual fund withdrawn (I sadly can't leave it in any longer), my stuff shipped to Matt (because he lives out there), and paying my rent & tuition with my fund....oh and I still need Bev (my cousin and the person in charge of Gramps's estate) to send the scholarship off to GPRC.
I know what I have to do, and such so that is good.
I will really miss my cat. I kinda feel like I am giving her up for a uncertain future. Some may say "It's just a cat." but to me I got her during a period in my life where I was just starting to feel happy again and she is a part of me in the sense that I love her, and I don't have to worry like with people that one day she won't want a thing to do with me.
This stems from my fear of being abandoned or ditched by people I care about.
It has happened before and thus it is always at the back of my mind that they will. I don't trust people a lot of the time. I've been too naive in the past and have been played with. Nothing serious of course, but I don't open myself often.
I do openly trust Matt & Trev as they are my longest/best friends. Like I somewhat worry when I get out to GP Matt will totally ignore me and Marsha will have changed her mind again (I am going to be staying with them for like a week at the end of August). This is unfounded however
I've been dating Matt for years. Nothing all that serious until a few days after "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum" BRHS Drama Club production's opening night.
I had actually been enjoying being single. I had, had a few online bfs, but just for the sake of being bored. I never planned on going anywhere with any of them. I don't even give them a second thought even now.
I should back-track saying Matt & me had broken-up like 5 months prior due to differences in various romantic opinions.
He had been asking me out all that week, After his mom invited me to the play with them, we sat next to each other. Matt was still my best friend at the time, and if I ever end it again he still will be I'm pretty sure. ANYWAY that night during one of the dark periods between scenes (when they dim the lights so you can't see them moving stuff around), Matt asked me a question about the play, and I asked "What?" this broke into a '"What"-fight' and in the process we each got really close to each other's face. Like nose touching close. The whole rest of the evening I couldn't shake how being so close to Matt again had made me feel. I was so shaken-up. I couldn't stop thinking about him. After he asked me out again a few days later professing how he really did love me, and such...I decided to be all "Ok Matthew, if you want to so bad I can't say no. I guess I can go out with you again."
This has been going on with fiver for like the last 2 years. This is when I consider I actually started dating Matt. Because I seriously wanted to, not just because he was all that was around. Not because it was familiar ether but because I had realized that I loved him both emotionally and physically, and I am like 99.4% sure he thinks of me the same. The missing .6% is part of my whole "Hope for the best but expect & prepare for the worst" stance.
Since it is almost May I do believe our anniversary is coming up soon. I'll have to research when that might be though, since I suck at dates.
All is seemingly going well too. I wish I could help him with his difficulties more though, but I can't because I have no idea what to say.
So if it ends soon or if it lasts I'm fine with it. I really have to no plan of permanence unlike Matt's brother & his girlfriend do. We shall still be friends whatever happens.
Only stick I have at the moment when he lists what all his friends have done for him lately I am always absent, or there is a tiny mention of me. I know he doesn't mean anything by this but still it makes me be *meh* and all.
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